March 4, 2009
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somehow
I feel like I've lost my identity.
My life is consumed with bottles, diapers, cuddles and crying. I don't mean that in a negative way. I am so in love with my daughter, it is so beyond words. I can't explain it.
We "left" the church we were members of the day before Lydia was born. That was not our plan, but ugly things happened. We have been visiting a few churches, we need to find a church home.
If you recall we moved 1,000 miles from NYC to GA mainly to attend that church. I've lost all my friends down here. It hurts. A lot.
I want Lydia to grow up in church so badly, but when Christians hurt you....
I don't often quote Ghandi "I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
It is true, NONE of us are like we should be. NONE of us are like the Christians at Antioch.
Still recovering from my c-section. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks that the nurse has been coming out daily to do my wound care. My asthma has been acting up, and my left wrist has gotten worse. Sometimes I'm afraid I'll drop Lydia.
WOW, this is a totally self centered, whiny post! I didn't intend that at ALL
Okay.
Lydia was 7 weeks old yesterday! I can't believe how big she is getting! She still hates tummy time. she "rolled over" twice. It was most likely an accident. She was on her tummy on her "Merry Monkey Gym" and then slowly she was on her side then back!
The faces and noises she makes are awesome. I almost like the sound of her crying. I of course do not want her to hurt or be uncomfortable, but her cries are so cute! She still will not take a pacifier. Everyone and everything says sucking soothes a baby. So, since she hasn't 100% found her fingers yet, (she can get the hang of it, but then her thumb gets too slippery and falls out - she holds on to her face for dear life) she sucks mine. Both pointer fingers are incredibly chapped. I don't want to put lotion on since I never know when I'm going to be her binky, so I have been using the lanolin for my breasts.
I LOVE her smiles! and she's lifting her head up so well! I don't want to compare her to other babies, because I know all babies develop at a different rate. Kelly, I find myself comparing her to Ella all the time! saying, "Ella is a week younger than Lydia, how come Ella is already doing this and Lydia isn't!?" BAD I know. I've got to stop and just let nature take it's course.
I don't mind changing her diapers. I would do anything for her. I pray every day that she will not end up with asthma, or any other chronic illness. Though the dr said she has colic, I think she's just hungry. I've been feeding her on demand instead of according to the clock, and things seem to be working out. We just have a really lousy schedule. Fred/Daddy is a night owl, so most nights we are up until 2 AM then she sleeps all day. She didn't fall asleep until nearly 3 this AM, and I had to wake her up at 7:45 to feed her and change her before we left for our WIC appt. The nurse will be here at 1:00, and I have a pulmonologist appt at 2:30.
Church tonight. I still keep her with me. I can't bear the thought of when she has to go into the nursery!
I'm pretty sure I had my period 2 weeks ago, but I started bleeding again yesterday! What's the deal? After so many months of not having it, then bleeding for so long after I had her. Can I get a break already? LOL
Hope everyone is well.
Comments (7)
I agree, Ghandi really hit that one on the head. We've tried just about every church with in 30 miles from here and have reached a dead end. I can't believe she's 7 weeks already!! None of mine ever took that passi either. And you won't ever have to send her to the nursery if you don't want! I've never sent mine.
I love the Ghandi quote. It's one of my favorite's. I hope you guys can find a new church, and that you start feeling better about things. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers for Lucy =)
Gosh, we are so much alike it's scary!! I too feel like i've lost a little bit of my identity. And because i'm not going back to work, i don't know how i'm going to get it back! That's why i've been so focused on these mom's groups and getting out of the house. And i too am guilty of comparing Ella to Lydia. While Ella might be doing some things that Lydia isn't doing, i guarantee you that Lydia is doing things that Ella isn't doing. For instance, Lydia started smiling earlier than Ella. Ella still doesn't smile all that often...and even when she does, i still wonder if it's just gas. Those pictures i posted are probably deceiving. She only smiles in the mornings and i was lucky to catch it on camera!! And between you and me, i let Ella sleep on her tummy...i know, i'm a horrible mother. She HATES her back and will scream nonstop for hours if she stays on her back. So because she spends so much time on her tummy, she has gotten really good at lifting her head so early. But i'm probably a bad mom because her tummy time is all the time. I can't believe i just admitted that....i feel like a horrible mother, but it's what she prefers. I hope you don't judge me!
WHat a wonderful little person you have there.. She is soo cute.. My hubby and I changed churches a few times when our kids were young. .It was hard, but we felt God was leading us in the right direction.. I will pray foryou to find some friends and heal..
I love babies..
Kyla
@ShamrockLover - Lydia sleeps (for now) on her tummy, on my chest, in the recliner. (Because she screams in the bassinet and though the crib is assembled, the nursery isn 't quite ready for her yet) So, I've got co-sleeping and tummy sleeping down. I know my mother put my three sisters and I down on our tummies, and we're all here! We have to do what we have to do, and like you said, Ella and Lydia are our Guinea pigs... LOL
What a good quote! Im sorry you are having trouble finding a church. Im in the same boat. Ill say a prayer for you..that you dont get overwhelmed as a new mom and that Christ can lead you to where you need to be. (((HUGS)))
i kind of understand the church homeless issue you're facing - but not really, because we've never moved somewhere BECAUSE of a church. i'm praying for you and for guidance and wisdom. at least you can play with your cutie patottie to take your mind off things!
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