November 23, 2002

• There use to be a little movie theater in town, it had 69 seats. It was called “Cinema Classics” When it opened, they showed classic movies, After a while, I guess Keith (The owner) wasn’t making too much money, so he started running second run movies at a deeply discounted price, Then he became an “Art house” showing foreign, and independent films.
  
  I spent many a day just hanging out in the lobby with Keith eating fruit and bread and waiting for customers to come in. I have to say Thanks though. Because for a time in 1993, he made some people VERY HAPPY. We had a print of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”, now you’re either a fan, or you’re not. If you haven’t seen it in a theater with audience participation, you’ve never seen it. For the entire summer of 1993, until Halloween (The day River Phoenix died) we had that print, and you could find me there from 8:00 at night Saturday, till 5:00 in the morning Sunday.
  
  Some of the best times of my young adulthood. We lost the print from 20th Century Fox, because apparently Rutgers had big money and wanted our copy. Our print even had “Super Heroes!”
  
  I went up to Bound Brook (Where they wouldn’t let anything into the theater) and down to Bayville which was just not right either. I missed my cast. I became very close with some of the people there, and have many photos and memories, but I wish I could have those times back.
  
  Okay… that was all leading up to this:
  
  YOU MIGHT BE A “ROCKY” FAN IF…
  by Twentieth Century Foxworthy
  
  …you spend $50 per month on rice, and you can’t stand the taste of the stuff
  
  …you shout out AP lines during sex
  
  …you gladly shell out $150 for a mint condition copy of the rare Outer
  Mongolian “RHS” cast album, but you couldn’t afford to pay your rent this
  month
  
  …you’ve named your children Brad and Janet
  
  …Perry Bedden has had to get a restraining order against you
  
  …you sat through all 13 hours of “I, Claudius” just to see Patricia Quinn
  
  …you have to remove your makeup with a power sander
  
  …you can’t understand how the Academy could’ve possibly picked “One Flew
  Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” for Best Picture of 1975 when “RHPS” was the obvious
  choice
  
  …you celebrated Tim Curry’s birthday and not your own
  
  …you don’t have “tennis elbow” but you do have “Time Warper’s knee”
  
  …you know the words to “Hot Patootie” by heart, but you can’t seem to
  remember any of the answers on your history final
  
  …you’re still reading this
  
  …you wish Congress would tackle the *really* vital issues, like the “hoopla”
  vs. “up now” controversy
  
  …you still remember how to do the rock (and the swim!)
  
  …you’ve got Sal Piro’s phone number on “speed dial”
  
  …J. Alan Pfaff asks *you* about “RHPS”
  
  …you throw rice and toilet paper at the screen during “Pocahontas”
  
  …you never watch more than the first half hour of “Saturday Night Live”
  (except for the Tim Curry, Barry Bostwick, and Meat Loaf episodes which you’ve
  got on tape)
  
  …you’ve got a big poster of Saddam Hussien on your wall (OOPS! That’s a
  sign that you might be an _Iraqi_ fan!)
  
  …you’ve watched Tim Curry’s “The Worst Witch” more than once
  
  …the salespeople at the local lingiere shops know you by name, and you’re a
  guy
  
  …you finally save up enough for a trip to England, and once you get there,
  you skip Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, and Stonehenge and head straight for
  Oakley Court to see where “RHPS” was filmed
  
  …your car horn plays “The Time Warp”
  
  …your favorite charity is “Save the Hunchbacks”
  
  …you play Eddie in the show’s cast, and you gained 75 pounds and had half
  your brain removed for the sake of “realism”
  
  …you plan on assassinating Tim Robbins so you and Susan Sarandon can be
  “together at last!”
  
  ..at every meal you serve the same thing: meatloaf!

  • 10:58 pm
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